6 Unconventional Tips That Could Save Your Marriage

When couples have problems with their marriages, they usually go with the more usual advice they get from friends or family. Some couples go the extra mile to talk with marriage therapists, but much of the advice they receive is wrong, says author Mort Fertel. Fertel says advice that is logical and sounds good is often ineffective, and that reconciling a broken marriage is not an intuitive process.

While I agree with the sense behind some of his teachings, most sound like he just wants aggrieved parties to an unhealthy marriage to remain in that bad situation and simply get used to it. The truth is that what works for one couple may not work for the other, and it would be best for each person to find what suits them.

On that note, I'm sharing some of the tips Fertel uses to work with couples.

Go at it ALONE. Most people think, "I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage." But it does not take two to tango. One person's effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it's that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process.


The wrong question. Many people wonder, "Did I marry the right person?" But that's the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe, there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don't have to be "lucky in love." It's not luck; it's choice.


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, and that's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve.

Don't talk about your problems. Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn't resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you'll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. New choices resolve marital problems; discussion don't.

Don't think marriage counseling is the answer. Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. One of the reasons relates to the previous point above.

Don't talk to family or friends about your situation. One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it's a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It's a violation of your spouse's privacy and it's wrong.

What do you think of his tips?A